How did my MRI scan go? Fantastically! How do I feel? Brilliant! Am I worried about anything?..Definitely!
Everything feels like my life is getting back to normal. In fact..better than normal? It’s 100% been confirmed that this year I WILL BE AT LAINE THEATRE ARTS..and I absolutely can not wait. I don’t feel like lounging in bed all day, I never ‘don’t feel right’ and my head doesn’t feel all dodgy anymore when I dance..so I can’t use that as an excuse when messing up a pirouette?! And everything seems to be slotting in to action. I think there is around a thousand (if not more) things that I’m nervous about..but good nervous – the kind of ‘I CANT WAIT TO BE A LAINEY’ nervous! But there is also several things that are making feel sick with worry. I know I’ll be absolutely fine until the day mum says ‘I’ll seen you soon’ and leaves me in my flat at least 2 and a half hours away from home. The second I get a headache I won’t be popping a paracetamol – I’ll probably be two seconds away from calling an ambulance. I know I’m going to worry about most things – I’m lucky to have my flat mate already planned and there for me! There are silly little worrying things playing on my mind for example, how am I supposed to get my hair in a bun when there is 0 hair under my ponytail…so what am I supposed to grip it to!?…
Ok, ok, ok…enough wining! The photo of my MRI results have absolutely wowed me! I never ever ever thought that these trial drugs would ever be working this well on me!
On the 2nd May (the day we drove to Addenbrooks for the results) I felt tremendously sick and seriously just didn’t want to know what my consultant was going to tell me. I got Aunty Beth to have a day off work to come with my mum and I because..well it just didn’t feel right her not being there. She’s always there for MRI results. Nothing felt right. The actual wait for the results felt like years were passing..slowly. But no worries – after being shown what’s going on to ‘whatever was in my head’ made the wait feel so worth it – My consultant showed me the MRI scan results and I couldn’t believe it! I’d love to be able to explain it all to you…but to be honest I don’t understand half of the scans meanings or BUT I can tell you that whatever was in my head is magically disappearing – at a brilliant speed! In the photo that my consultant showed me, you can barely see anything! My brain kind of looks…normal!
How did I react? “Ah right, looks good…” But how did I feel inside? “OMG! WHAT! SERIOUSLY? THATS SO SO AWESOME. OMG I WANT TO HUG THE CONSULTANT…..MIA DON’T HUG THE CONSULTANT BUT OMGGGG. SO HAPPY!!’.
Of course I had to act cool about it?
For those who are a bit like me and don’t actually understand anything of a scan – the scan from February: look in the middle, that’s the tumour/whatever is in my brain. On the one in April..you’ll see it’s not there. Well, okay…If you zoom zoom zoooom in you’ll see an outline of it BUT I’ve only been on the drugs for 6 months and I have another 6 month trial of them – things honestly couldn’t be going this well! Well at least I thought they couldn’t!
It goes to show you that worrying does absolutely nothing! It doesn’t make you able to change the outcome of anything and it definitely doesn’t improve how you are. So that’s my plan for the following three months before the next MRI scan – remain positive and quit worrying about ‘what could happen’. If something terrible is going to happen..then I’ll learn to deal with it when it comes..but for now CHILL OUT and enjoy life!
It’s strange that I’ve always been such a ‘typical girl’. Actually, I’ve probably been one of the most immature typical girls who still talk in class and depend on parents. I could talk for hours about a certain boy or search the internet for new clothes and makeups – and then suddenly, when I woke up with half a skull, a shaved head, tucked in hospital bedding, I just no longer cared. In the blink of an eye I did not care about how well you’d straightened your hair, how my nails were doing, or whether he replied to my text..I get that this sounds ridiculous..who would care about that at any point in their life anyway?…well I definitely did. I did care about those kind of things, and I’m so glad I did – I lived like every one of my friends still do – and I’m happy that boys and clothes are their biggest issues. I feel now like a better ‘me’ (yes ok with less hair and whatever). And I appreciate so much that I went through a stage of really appreciating who and what I had around me. Seriously, to everyone that wrote to me, sent presents, called me, sent cards or even commented on social media, I couldn’t not thank you enough. You definitely opened my eyes and realised that you never have to go through anything alone. And sure, I’m back to worrying about my eyeliner..attempting to straighten my hair and buying new clothes. I miss people I didn’t want in my life during the time of not even having my skull and only wanting my family around me. I’m back to wondering when I’m next going to go out with my friends and I can’t wait for a day of some ‘booze’ with them. But I’ve changed in realising that it’s ok for some days for you not to feel ok, and it’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to either want to be alone or want to be surrounded with hundreds of people. I’ll blog in a couple of months to update those who’d like to see how well these drugs are doing. But until then – remain positive and appreciate everything a billion times over!!
Yes technically I do still have cancer but it’s getting shot down in every possible way and from every different angle. So yup… ‘I have Cancer but Cancer will NEVER have me’.